Not saying that all of this happens at every single desi event, but...
1. You have to perform "Indian clean" material. In the American standup world you have 3 types of comedians - Blue, Clean & TV Clean. In the Indian world, there's a 4th type of comedian, beyond TV clean - Indian clean. What's clean comedy for American TV may not be clean comedy for an Indian event.
2. If I had a dime for every Indian event that started on time, I'd have a penny.
3. The Indian event motto is same as the boy scout motto, "Be Prepared". You never know when you will be thrown on stage. Just when you think it's your time, the previous speaker on stage will test your patience.
4. Even after instructing verbally and putting it in writing in your signed contract, you will have to perform with a Karaoke machine.
5. Deal with all shapes, forms, sizes and types of hecklers. First and foremost - kids - because Indians believe in 3 million gods but not in a baby-sitter. Be prepared for kids running all over the place, right in front of the front row and even on stage. Don't frown at the kids, they are your biggest alibi. They, if you can't, will certainly utter something that will make everyone laugh. They also, more than the grown-ups, will give you the biggest laughs out of their own mouths. Next, the uncles and the aunties, who always have a thought, a reference or a callback to your joke, to share. They aren't heckling you, only "helping" you. And last but never the least, the smart, sophisticated, seld-designated people's representative who will voice their disagreement at every opportunity. Deal with it with a smile.
6. You can make a joke about guns, but you can't make a joke about condoms (if you twitched as you read that, you are probably Indian). You can get away with uttering "bullshit", "asshole" and even "bastard", but never ever utter "sex" (did you twitch again?).
7. Be prepared for post performance inputs from members of the audience:
- Here's a joke I heard that you can use in your act...
- You are good, it is really hard to make Indians laugh (you hardly saw me laugh)
- You are good, I really liked your comedy (which I showed by nodding my head in approval instead of laughing)
- Why don't you perform on Last Comic Standing
- You are a comedian? I love Seinfeld! (& the other comedian name that I am going to throw at you during our conversation is Russel Peters)
- I used to watch a lot of comedy (but don't anymore because I have kids now, and remember, no-baby-sitters-for-Indians!)
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