Anatomy of a desi gig

Not saying that all of this happens at every single desi event, but...

1. You have to perform "Indian clean" material. In the American standup world you have 3 types of comedians - Blue, Clean & TV Clean. In the Indian world, there's a 4th type of comedian, beyond TV clean - Indian clean. What's clean comedy for American TV may not be clean comedy for an Indian event.

2. If I had a dime for every Indian event that started on time, I'd have a penny.

3. The Indian event motto is same as the boy scout motto, "Be Prepared". You never know when you will be thrown on stage. Just when you think it's your time, the previous speaker on stage will test your patience.

4. Even after instructing verbally and putting it in writing in your signed contract, you will have to perform with a Karaoke machine.

5. Deal with all shapes, forms, sizes and types of hecklers. First and foremost - kids - because Indians believe in 3 million gods but not in a baby-sitter. Be prepared for kids running all over the place, right in front of the front row and even on stage. Don't frown at the kids, they are your biggest alibi. They, if you can't, will certainly utter something that will make everyone laugh. They also, more than the grown-ups, will give you the biggest laughs out of their own mouths. Next, the uncles and the aunties, who always have a thought, a reference or a callback to your joke, to share. They aren't heckling you, only "helping" you. And last but never the least, the smart, sophisticated, seld-designated people's representative who will voice their disagreement at every opportunity. Deal with it with a smile.

6. You can make a joke about guns, but you can't make a joke about condoms (if you twitched as you read that, you are probably Indian). You can get away with uttering "bullshit", "asshole" and even "bastard", but never ever utter "sex" (did you twitch again?).

7. Be prepared for post performance inputs from members of the audience:

- Here's a joke I heard that you can use in your act...

- You are good, it is really hard to make Indians laugh (you hardly saw me laugh)

- You are good, I really liked your comedy (which I showed by nodding my head in approval instead of laughing)

- Why don't you perform on Last Comic Standing

- You are a comedian? I love Seinfeld! (& the other comedian name that I am going to throw at you during our conversation is Russel Peters)

- I used to watch a lot of comedy (but don't anymore because I have kids now, and remember, no-baby-sitters-for-Indians!)

Pre-Mumbai jitters

5th Oct 2009, Monday night at SFO airport.

It's October 2009. Exactly 9 years since I landed in USA. I arrived in US with the mindset of a really long camping trip. I had been away from home so many times before, this one is just like an extended trip, is what I convinced myself. I wasn't really excited to come to US, since I had never really intended to. As my fellow computer folks started jumping the body shopping train I used to sit and wonder if something was wrong with me for not wanting to jump. Then opportunity came knocking at my door and I decided to not let it pass. In hindsight, perhaps one of the better decisions of my life. I know I say better and not best, because the best one was yet to come. For 5 long years I struggled to understand what I was doing, in US, in life. I was living carefree, not a damn concern about anything. I lost my job 3 times in the very first year, during which I managed to make 2 trips to New York, 1 to Chicago and countless ones to LA. Lost a job, who cares, lets enjoy the time off. Sunnyvale wasn't that enjoyable to live in anyways. I moved to Los Angeles, spent a few months, worked with my uncle for a few months outside the Software realm, not fun, worked for a startup, with 3 guys, in the back of a computer repair shop, for no pay, got a project up in the bay area and moved back to.....Sunnyvale!

After staying at my friends place for a month while my friend was traveling, I moved into a small apartment with another Indian roommate. It was a small room, a shared bathroom and only $500 monthly rent. For the first time in my life money mattered. For the first time in my life sharing a bathroom bothered me. But it worked well, since my roommate was a morning person, and I, a perennial late starter. I made my first trip back home after 2 years and Mumbai was just the same. I ran amok, meeting whatever friends were left behind in the city but had moved on in their lives. It felt a little strange, but it was a big turning point in my life. I realised that living life is like a driving a car - you should look in the rear view mirror every now and then, but you can't drive if you keep looking in the rear view mirror. My first trip to Mumbai helped me focus back on the road, what was ahead, and leave behind what went behind.

Here I am sitting at the SF airport waiting to board my flight on my 4th trip to Mumbai, and how the last 9 years flash in front of my eyes. 4 years ago when I was thinking about venturing into standup comedy, my biggest concern was how will I be able to relate to American audiences. Sitting around with Indian friends and cracking jokes with shared backgrounds filling in the unspoken words and the unexplained references was so easy. How do I explain it to the non-Indian audiences. But I found the first month that I spent doing shows to be very rewarding. There were things that made no sense to anyone when I uttered them on stage, but there was that addictive laughter that cracked up consistently through the month to keep me going. The next 4 years have been the most rewarding years of my life. I had found my identity. The one question that I could never answer before was - where do you see yourself in 5 years. Today I see myself on stage, in 5, 10, 50 years from now. Standup comedy is my MBA, my Yoga, my meditation, my relaxation, my drive, my life.

The irony is that here I am, an Indian, born and raised in Mumbai, who came to America, and jumped into the world of comedy, going back home to perform in front of my home peeps, and concerned, while exicted, about how will my hometown audiences relate to my material. I will find out in a few days. I have always consciously worked towards material that's not highly American centric, finally a chance to put it to the real test.

I love you San Francisco, but for now I have to attend to my first love - Mumbai, here I come!