Saturday, February 20, 2010

10 differences between a wife and a motorcycle

10. A motorcycle may pose real-life dangereous situations all the time but it will never pose a hypothetical question

9. When you take your motorcycle to the shop it doesn't buy every accessory that fits on it

8. A motorcycle never complains that you never spend enough time with it

7. When your friends and you go group riding, other people look at you and think - how fun!

6. You can ride your motorcycle anytime you want

5. You have to wear a lot more stuff - helmet, gloves, boots, jacket and pants - to ride a motorcycle safely

4. You don't mind someone else riding your motorcycle as long as they don't damage it

3. It's not a fetish to ride your motorcyle with your friend

2. Having multiple motorcycles is neither condemned nor unlawful

1. A motorcycle wont read your blog and frown at you.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

31st Dec 2009 - A nought to remember

Indians love arts, especially arts like music and dance and theater, because those arts require skill and talent and practice. Comedy, that's easy. A comedian simply walks up on stage and talks. How hard can that be! Indians are very adept at talking endlessly, especially when someone else is. Have you ever tried to moderate a verbal exchange of words involving Indians? If you haven't had the opportunity, invite some Indians over, moderate a game of Mafia, and don't forget to take a Valtrex pill for the Cold Sores & Hearpes. According to a recent study the decibel levels in Mumbai local trains are higher than those of a Jet engine, so when a Mumbaikar appears on stage, the warm and welcoming Indians will go out of their way to make you feel at home...through the entire stay.

Dec 31, 2009, 8pm-ish, I walk into the India Community Center (ICC) for the New Years Eve celebrations. 450-odd people walking in and out the banquet hall, helping themselves to food and drinks. I walk in, check with the sound guy, discuss the logistics with the light guy, and inquire the sequence of events with my point of contact at which point I discover that I am the first act of the evening and have the added little unimportant responsibility of introducing myself. I barter to introduce the next (also last) act of the evening in return for one of the dancers introducing me. Chaos...check!

8.30pm, the scheduled start of entertainment, the actual start of dinner. Late...check!

9.00pm, decide to start to make it possible for the 2nd act - the bollywood dance group, to perform and leave and make it to their next Indian event of the night a little less late.

An unsettled crowd, people walking in and out of the banquet hall with food in one hand and kids in the other, people sitting around tables eating dinner, having their little dinner conversations. Breach of contract term "all food/cleaning services are halted prior to and during the performance & that the crowd/audience is settled down for the start of the performance"...CHECK!

A quick short introduction prompts me on stage, the hall lights still on, the light guy, omnipresent, except in the light booth. As I take to the stage a cursory glance from bird's eye view reveals a noise-maker toy in the hands of a kid sitting in an adults lap on the front tables, back tables proving the power of the Indian dinner conversations to top amplified vocals, and noise maker in the hands and mouth of what seemed like an adult homo-sapien. Chaos reigning supreme...check!

A few quick cheers and a quick request...futile...move on. Jump into crowd-work, talk to random tables across the banquet hall to grab some attention and get people to take some notice. Futile. Keep trying. Slip in a joke. Notice some people listening. Appreciate them loudly and distinctly. I finish the first joke-bit, accompanied by beeps-background-music by the party-hardy homo-sapien, and chorus sounds of soothing conversations! Another quick request...futile...the show must go on!

I timed myself, during the show and the video review afterwards - 20 minutes of "the show must go on" mantra. This one particular adult homo-sapien with a noise maker in his mouth, that grabbed all my undivided attention right at the start, and regularly throughtout the 20 minutes, and also managed to coax a few quick requests to...oh well, at about the 20 minute mark appears on a table a few rows ahead of his original table, perhaps disappointed that he didn't grab my undivided attention earlier. At which point I, for lack of a better term, lost it and supported by the minority asked the well behaved man to shut the ffffffff (managed to keep the rest of the word in me and out of the phrase!) up or get out. A different minority was not so supportive and let their displeasure be known, for lack of better alternatives, in sounds.

Apologies to the organizers for cutting short, apologies and thanks to the attentive minority, an introduction of the next act and off the stage I go. My immediate instinct was to post my frustration online, but restrained myself.

In my head I kept debating the pros and cons of posting a piece of my mind and jeopardizing my relationship and prospect for future shows with the ICC. Just before the start of the event, the organizers and I decided to meet the following week to discuss some ideas for more shows at ICC. I, for the past entire year, having consciously worked towards identifying suitable comics for Indian masses, was worried about burning the bridge before a stone was laid. Well, after losing it on stage, I possibly burnt it already, but what bothered me is how small inactions of individuals contributed to the big fiasco of the night.

Where were the organizers when the over-enthusiastic noise-maker was completely out of control, and according to my watch, they had 20 minutes, by which point I figured I am left to fend for myself, and I did. Then, there was another gentleman with words of advice afterwards "You should have stayed calm. Now ICC will have to bear the brunt." How saintly?! Was it really that difficult for this calm and sensible man to walk up to the noisemaker and enlighten him with some words of wisdom?! Was it really that difficult for any one of those that were enjoying, to verbalize their discord with their neighboring tables? One person walked up two tables to ask me to move out of their line of vision when I stopped over to talk to the "you-should-have-stayed-calm" saint, but where was Mr. Maximus earlier? There were so many people there who could have done something, anything, to try to make a difference, but did nothing. Then we, as a people, complain, "What can I do, the problem is with the system". That's how every problem is dealt with - raise your hands, sit back and complain about how we are so powerless to affect a change in the system, thereby contributing to strengthen the system.

During my trip to Mumbai, during a number of cab rides, the cabbie would spit on the road, and all my sis and I did was come home and complain about how disgusting it is. Until one day I uttered "Why do you spit? Not good." to one cabbie who didn’t feel the urge for the rest of the hour-long journey. Not a heroic deed by any means, but thoroughly satisfying.

Now, I had the choice to either push everything under the carpet, act like it was all ok, and try to be pally with the ICC OR lay it all out on the table and work with them towards improving the system. Not sure if I made the right choice but it sure is thoroughly satisfying!

Friday, January 1, 2010

May 2010 be the...

May 2010 be the year where you find food on your table, wheels moving you around, spare change in your pockets and something funny, every day.

May 2010 be the year where you find reasons to do things instead of excuses to not do them (and may that reason not be "because I had nothing better to do")

May 2010 be the year where you don't find time but make time for things you want to do.

May 2010 be the year of good actions and not just good intentions.

May 2010 be the year where you travel to atleast one place you've never been before.

May 2010 be the year where you do atleast one of those things that you have been wanting to for a very long time.

May 2010 be the year where you don't find the time or energy to complain about how unjust the world is because you are too busy making a difference.

May 2010 be the year where you realize that nobody in this world is trying to hold you back and that you are nobody.

May 2010 be the month where you find a reason to celebrate. If you have nothing better to celebrate, and find (or can excuse yourself) for some time, and your intention is to do something fun, make a difference in celebrating my birthday, even if you have never been to one before or have been meaning to for a long time but just been holding yourself back.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Social networking - take 2!

Ever so often I "still" hear people complaining about facebook. So decided to list some of the complaints down with my humble responses. Do you have any of your own to share?

1. "I don't get facebook."
You are seeing the glass half empty.

2. "Why do I care if someone is eating their lunch, or catching a nap or tieing their shoe lace"
Someone doesn't care if you care.

3. "I don't need to know what people are doing every minute of their life"
Keep it up, your kids will be very happy.

4. "I don't understand why someone would want the world to know what they are thinking every minute of their lives."
It's the same urge that made you think I wanted to know what you are thinking of this minute of your life!

5. "If someone really wanted to know what I have been up to, they would have called"
Maybe you are one of those "so what else is new with you?" types.

6. "It is rather ironic that we communicate so much on facebook, yet hardly ever meet"
That's what your parents think when they are speaking with you on the phone.

7. "Facebook is a passing fad"
In this world, so are you. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Post-Mumbai jitterbug

I arrive at the Mumbai airport, sick, from exhaustion of month-long non-stop shows, and of traveling from SF to Mumbai all alone. On the flight from SF I get the one broken-sound-system seat on-board; I am in no mood to reminisce the silent era. The next flight to Mumbai has a completely broken sound system on-board. Thanks Cathay Pathetic! Mumbai airport has had a facelift - pleasant surprise! On our way home, the Mumbai traffic gets me over my flight of fury in no time - no surprise! Two days to Show 1, I restrain the urge to splurge on food.

Friday October 9, the rickshaw pulls into Somaiya campus, which has also had a facelift. My professor takes me to the "faculty lounge", an area that I'd be apprehensive of standing in and dreamt of sitting in if I was in college. Next stop, the Red Auditorium. As I am led in by the faculty head and my professor, rows upon rows of students quieten down and stand up to welcome us. My sis, walking with me, finds it all quite amusing - she is not alone! We take front row seats. I am presented with a bouquet of flowers. The proceedings begin with a "Prarthana", followed by a slideshow about Samson Koletkar the ex-SIMSRite, and an intro by my professor; in the middle of which I grab my notebook and start jotting things down, my sis grinning at my comedian-ness.

On stage, I am handed the mic and I look at the crowd looking at me, "What do we do now?" going through both our heads. "Scream, whistle, clap, jump, do whatever it takes, let's make some noise" is my call and the students, some readily, some hesitantly, oblige. I feel better. I start off by pulling my professors leg, and I hear the first not-sure-if-we-should-laugh-at-our-teacher laugh. A few more observations and I jump into my material, exhilaration running through my veins. I see the eagerness in the eyes of the audience...to experience their first live standup comedy performance, to see someone stand up there and talk in his own voice, to listen to views and opinions of India and America and Jews and Bollywood and Family and Relationships and all that you talk about in private. I am constantly gazing the crowd, trying to understand if they understand me, do I take some time to explain a little, are they with me, am I losing them, am I making sense, am I relevant, what should I do next, what should I skip. The regular bursts of laughter, sometimes at unexpected junctures, keep egging me on. With the worry of "connecting" long gone, I start conversing more. As an alumnus who worked in Mumbai and is living in US, I have a lot to converse. I talk about my college days, my Mumbai days and my initial days in the US. Story telling is my forte and who wouldn't want to hear the story of a shy Indian Jewish boy, born and raised in middle-class Mumbai, working in computers in US, turned standup comedian!

60 minutes on the clock, a big closer and a thank you speech from the host marks the end of my first show in my hometown, or so I thought. The students gather in a separate classroom for a little Q&A. One student takes over the mantle, mimicking some professors, reminiscent of my own college days. Handshakes and thank yous and pictures and friendly jibes and a lot of new facebook friends completed my first show in Mumbai. Post show, ritualistically, I rerun the whole show in my head, what I could have done, what I should have done, what I did do , what I didn't do, what clicked, what didn't, how I felt and what I learned. Immensely satisfied, I celebrate with my first food splurge!

Two weeks fly by, it's time for Show 2 with a fellow San Francisco comedienne amalgamating an intresting theme - An American Jew in India & An Indian Jew in America! Alicia Dattner made a trip to India last year and a complete act out of it. She called me, spoke of her plan to visit India again and the idea of doing a joint show struck us. Sunday October 25th at the Jewish Community Center, the stage is set, the crowd is in, seats are full, some folks are piled up on desks, others on couches and office chairs. I wait impatiently for my turn as Alicia performs her act. 45 minutes later the impatience gives way to adrenalin, the rush of being on stage in front of my people - fellow Mumbai Jews (with some American & Canadian Jewish volunteers present too)! My opener, "This is the only crowd where my most frequently used opener - Hi, my name is Samson Koletkar and I am an Indian Jew, which makes me a rare species, so if anybody wants a picture with me...5 bucks - won't work", works like a charm and I'm on my way. No gazing the crowd, no need to explain anything, no worry about being understood...being relevant...making sense, nothing to skip. Every joke, every story, hits its mark. Why won't it? Who can better understand the predicament of an Indian Jew!

At the end of 45 minutes, there is only 1 regret, I had only 45 minutes to perform. Not that anyone would have minded a longer performance, but it's always good to leave folks wanting more - and in this case, both, the audience and the performers, were left wanting more. Handshakes and thank yous and pictures and friendly jibes and smiling faces beaming with pride all around marked my second show in Mumbai. Delirious, I celebrate with my umpteenth food splurge!

Whether I ruffled some feathers with unconventionalism or I triggered some minds with it, one thing's for sure: Performing standup comedy in India - been there, done that and will definitely do it again!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Anatomy of a desi gig

Not saying that all of this happens at every single desi event, but...

1. You have to perform "Indian clean" material. In the American standup world you have 3 types of comedians - Blue, Clean & TV Clean. In the Indian world, there's a 4th type of comedian, beyond TV clean - Indian clean. What's clean comedy for American TV may not be clean comedy for an Indian event.

2. If I had a dime for every Indian event that started on time, I'd have a penny.

3. The Indian event motto is same as the boy scout motto, "Be Prepared". You never know when you will be thrown on stage. Just when you think it's your time, the previous speaker on stage will test your patience.

4. Even after instructing verbally and putting it in writing in your signed contract, you will have to perform with a Karaoke machine.

5. Deal with all shapes, forms, sizes and types of hecklers. First and foremost - kids - because Indians believe in 3 million gods but not in a baby-sitter. Be prepared for kids running all over the place, right in front of the front row and even on stage. Don't frown at the kids, they are your biggest alibi. They, if you can't, will certainly utter something that will make everyone laugh. They also, more than the grown-ups, will give you the biggest laughs out of their own mouths. Next, the uncles and the aunties, who always have a thought, a reference or a callback to your joke, to share. They aren't heckling you, only "helping" you. And last but never the least, the smart, sophisticated, seld-designated people's representative who will voice their disagreement at every opportunity. Deal with it with a smile.

6. You can make a joke about guns, but you can't make a joke about condoms (if you twitched as you read that, you are probably Indian). You can get away with uttering "bullshit", "asshole" and even "bastard", but never ever utter "sex" (did you twitch again?).

7. Be prepared for post performance inputs from members of the audience:
- Here's a joke I heard that you can use in your act...
- You are good, it is really hard to make Indians laugh (you hardly saw me laugh)
- You are good, I really liked your comedy (which I showed by nodding my head in approval instead of laughing)
- Why don't you perform on Last Comic Standing
- You are a comedian? I love Seinfeld! (& the other comedian name that I am going to throw at you during our conversation is Russel Peters)
- I used to watch a lot of comedy (but don't anymore because I have kids now, and remember, no-baby-sitters-for-Indians!)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Pre-Mumbai jitters

5th Oct 2009, Monday night at SFO airport.

It's October 2009. Exactly 9 years since I landed in USA. I arrived in US with the mindset of a really long camping trip. I had been away from home so many times before, this one is just like an extended trip, is what I convinced myself. I wasn't really excited to come to US, since I had never really intended to. As my fellow computer folks started jumping the body shopping train I used to sit and wonder if something was wrong with me for not wanting to jump. Then opportunity came knocking at my door and I decided to not let it pass. In hindsight, perhaps one of the better decisions of my life. I know I say better and not best, because the best one was yet to come. For 5 long years I struggled to understand what I was doing, in US, in life. I was living carefree, not a damn concern about anything. I lost my job 3 times in the very first year, during which I managed to make 2 trips to New York, 1 to Chicago and countless ones to LA. Lost a job, who cares, lets enjoy the time off. Sunnyvale wasn't that enjoyable to live in anyways. I moved to Los Angeles, spent a few months, worked with my uncle for a few months outside the Software realm, not fun, worked for a startup, with 3 guys, in the back of a computer repair shop, for no pay, got a project up in the bay area and moved back to.....Sunnyvale!

After staying at my friends place for a month while my friend was traveling, I moved into a small apartment with another Indian roommate. It was a small room, a shared bathroom and only $500 monthly rent. For the first time in my life money mattered. For the first time in my life sharing a bathroom bothered me. But it worked well, since my roommate was a morning person, and I, a perennial late starter. I made my first trip back home after 2 years and Mumbai was just the same. I ran amok, meeting whatever friends were left behind in the city but had moved on in their lives. It felt a little strange, but it was a big turning point in my life. I realised that living life is like a driving a car - you should look in the rear view mirror every now and then, but you can't drive if you keep looking in the rear view mirror. My first trip to Mumbai helped me focus back on the road, what was ahead, and leave behind what went behind.

Here I am sitting at the SF airport waiting to board my flight on my 4th trip to Mumbai, and how the last 9 years flash in front of my eyes. 4 years ago when I was thinking about venturing into standup comedy, my biggest concern was how will I be able to relate to American audiences. Sitting around with Indian friends and cracking jokes with shared backgrounds filling in the unspoken words and the unexplained references was so easy. How do I explain it to the non-Indian audiences. But I found the first month that I spent doing shows to be very rewarding. There were things that made no sense to anyone when I uttered them on stage, but there was that addictive laughter that cracked up consistently through the month to keep me going. The next 4 years have been the most rewarding years of my life. I had found my identity. The one question that I could never answer before was - where do you see yourself in 5 years. Today I see myself on stage, in 5, 10, 50 years from now. Standup comedy is my MBA, my Yoga, my meditation, my relaxation, my drive, my life.

The irony is that here I am, an Indian, born and raised in Mumbai, who came to America, and jumped into the world of comedy, going back home to perform in front of my home peeps, and concerned, while exicted, about how will my hometown audiences relate to my material. I will find out in a few days. I have always consciously worked towards material that's not highly American centric, finally a chance to put it to the real test.

I love you San Francisco, but for now I have to attend to my first love - Mumbai, here I come!